At the time we met, we lived about 2 hours away from each other. We would spend weekends together, getting to know each other. Our relationship started as a friendship with benefits and we slowly fell in love. We did not have God in our lives. He was an atheist; he couldn’t fathom the idea of God without tangible proof. I was a recovering Catholic, I believed in God but I would only pray when I needed something. Porn was an occasional part of our weekends together. We would watch it together. He used porn and masturbated thru the week while we were apart. I knew that. I was “ok” with that (or so I convinced myself anyway) because he was a guy in his 20’s…at least he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. As time went on we moved in together, our relationship deepened and we got engaged. I began to get these gut wrenching pangs in my core while I was at work or the grocery store, sometimes even in the shower. I can’t begin to describe it, but if you are a woman in this situation you probably know what feeling I’m talking about. I began to notice deleted history on the computer (no in-private or incognito browsing back then LOL) or that a porno we had rented together was in a different place. I began to ask him when I noticed these things. He convinced me I was paranoid. I was crazy. He began lying to me on a daily basis.
I could write at least a thousand posts detailing every argument. See, I didn’t confront him in a loving way back then so it always resulted in a huge fight. I was angry. I felt betrayed. I already came into the relationship with a ton of baggage. I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused as a child. I had poor self-esteem and the thought of him pleasuring himself to these “perfect” women made me hate myself even more. I came at him with venom because I needed him to hurt too. He would never answer me honestly, which only infuriated me more. I hate being lied to. The lies were just as painful as the masturbation.
He would masturbate while I was at work, sometimes after we had just made love. OUCH!! I continually felt like I was not enough. There was one time that a Playboy subscription card had fallen out onto the floor, he didn’t notice he had dropped it when putting his stash away. He even denied that!! He blamed my brother-in-law. So, I called my brother-in-law, while he stood there listening to me and still denied it. Finally after I got off the phone he confessed. That turned into one of our worst arguments in history. He was embarrassed and angry that I had called. He felt that I was controlling him and couldn’t comprehend why it was no longer ok with me. HELLO……we are planning on getting married!!! So, the first of many ultimatums came. I told him if you don’t stop, I will leave. My father betrayed my mother for their entire marriage. I will not have it. He became tearful and immediately began apologizing. He made the first of many broken promises to quit.