Just another day…

I am at work. I’m taking care of people. All of a sudden it hits me. I run to the bathroom. NOT AGAIN!! My heart is racing, my throat is so dry I can’t swallow, I have that paralyzing feeling of fear in the core of my being…not just butterflies in my stomach but it literally feels like I am going to die. I am terrified. Sort of the same feeling I used to get before my dad came home and the chores weren’t done but multiplied by a zillion. I begin sobbing uncontrollably. I text him…

Hey babe, how’s your day going?  No response.

5 agonizing minutes go by. I am trembling. I can’t stop crying. I think I’m going to throw up. So, I text again…

Whatcha doin?  Nothing.

So, how’s your day?  Fine.

Another 15 minutes have passed.

I love you. I hope you have a good day at work.  You too.

It seems like a normal conversation right? A wife just checking in on her husband to start the day. It is so much more than that. You see, I know. Not just because of the sick feeling in my stomach, but because my husband is a talker. One word answers are never good. He’s just finished up watching porn on his phone and masturbating. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of not being enough for my husband. When we met, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. Yes, I’ve gained a little weight. We have three kids! No, I don’t do lingerie like I used to but that’s because the last time I bought cute sexy panties his response was “Are those even going to fit you?” I’m tired of being consumed by this, I feel suffocated in my marriage and I have no one to talk to about it.

I get home from work and immediately check the computer and his phone while he is changing. Imagine that…absolutely zero history. I wonder why! Do I dare to ask? I know he’s going to lie. He always does. He kisses me hello, asks about my day…perfectly normal. I decide not to bring it up. Instead I pray in my head.

Father God,

Please be with me right now. Please protect our marriage. Take my fears, anger and anxiety away so that I can enjoy my husband. I pray that you would place a hedge of protection surrounding him that he would not be tempted again. Father I pray that he would find satisfaction in me. Father I pray that I would remember that I will always be enough in your eyes and that is what matters. Father help me extend grace and love, especially today. Let me delight in my husband and not allow one more minute to be consumed by this. Amen

Today that helped. Today I choose to love my husband and not beat myself up for his choices. Today, I think I’m making progress…but am I really?